Interview With a Blogpire

So, I have an interview tomorrow for a very prestigious spot. It’s not every day that the Vatican calls you and asks if you are available for an interview. I was going to turn them down because the work schedule was going to conflict with my Norwegian Double Agent spy schedule, but I figured I could do both and still be awesome. Because I have an interview, I figured I would go over the rules of interviews with all of my readers because I want all of you to be just as successful as I am. Here are the rules.

1. Remember to put on pants before the interview. Interviewers are allergic to nakedness.
2. An inability to deny yourself a single slice of cheesecake is NOT a weakness. It is your greatest strength.
3. Calling the interview a “Cotton headed ninny muggings” is probably not a good thing.
4. If you’re going to burp or fart in an interview, you might as well burp or fart to the tune of the National Anthem.
5. Despite how awesome it would be, “Riding a dinosaur” is never an appropriate answer to “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
6. Try not to threaten the interviewer. This will look bad in their evaluation of you.
7. Uggs are not an ideal item of clothing to wear in an interview. Uggs are not an ideal item of clothing to wear anywhere. If you are wearing uggs, you probably will never get an interview anywhere.
8. The only appropriate thing to do while having a phone interview is cooking bacon.
9. Never mention your organ harvesting scam during the interview.
10. This is an interview, not a counseling session. Try not to tell the interview about the time your father missed your big baseball game in the third game. Yes, it was an important game, and your father shouldn’t have missed. It is the reason you started drinking, and you stay up all night wondering why your dad doesn’t love you like he loves your sister Janice. But the interviewer doesn’t need to know this.
11. Taking the interviewer’s seat and saying “I’m you now. I have your life” is not a good way to start the interview.
12. Bro hugs are not a good way to end an interview

So what do you think? Are there any tips I did not put on here? Is it possible that an organ harvesting scam might actually be a good hobby to address in an interview?